Blame It on the Changes

(yes I stole the title from a song. points to anyone who writes the artist and album in the comment section)

I’m not sure why, but the last few days have gone by like a blur. Now (having missed a couple days of posts, despite my recommitment) it is Saturday, just before Halloween and the end of the month. I am busy most of the day today, working and then this evening going to a ceremony for some men and women who have worked toward today for a long time and who will be graduating from the LifeChange program at the Union Gospel Mission, where my dad works.

Then, I’m going to a Halloween party that has a Victorian Era Circus theme. So in my head I’m mentally trying to throw together something I can wear that will at least come close.

Either way, I’m already exhausted and it’s only noon. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel a bit uncomfortable in my skin today, and have sort of felt like that the last three days.

I can feel my brain trying to figure out these feelings analytically – trying to tie them to a medication side effect, or a symptom of something or anything that I could have a reasonable chance of dealing with in a logical way – but the problem with that approach is that not only am I not coming up with anything, I’m not addressing the other possible options.

Usually when I feel uncomfortable, disinterested, and frankly, bored almost no matter what I do, there is some underlying physical or emotional pain underneath. I can’t always pinpoint it, but I can at least do what I can to try and feel better – making sure I take care of myself both physically and emotionally.

I think I’m just tired of the constant change, to be honest. I feel like every time I get close to having a routine again, something else shifts and I end up not standing on solid ground anymore.

I go through these periods of slow and sometimes lonely days punctuated by intense, rapid, activity every three days or so as something else changes or I have a new article to write or whatever.

But honestly, there are times (like now) where I feel slightly crazy. Like the only way to clear my head would be to hop in my car and just drive in one direction until I run out of gas or something.

So I guess part of me just wants to run away from it all. Part of me wants to just re-start my life in another body in another city, in another world.

But the reality is that any escape for me is always only temporary. And when I do try and just escape whatever it is that is bothering me, it rarely works, and when it does, it usually has the added effect of me also blocking out all the good things about my life. It’s like a shield. I escape into some other world, mentally or physically, and I put up a shield, but it covers me so well that I can’t see around it, and so I have no idea what will come flying at me as soon as I come back to reality.

It isn’t a good solution. Escape so rarely is the best solution.

So what do I do, knowing that?

I guess right now I just have to keep trying experience the emotions I feel without retreating from them. Allowing them to be a part of me, without allowing them to overwhelm me. Just perceiving my feelings without judging them as good or bad, right or wrong.

It’s really a tough thing to do. And I admit, if I had this down, then you wouldn’t be seeing gaps between my posts.

But I hope that if I practice for long enough, I will be able to manage my emotional state more capably.

Hope you have all had a good week, and that you enjoy what is, sort-of, a holiday weekend.

Peace to you,

-Nathan

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3 responses to “Blame It on the Changes

  1. You aren’t giving up. Remember that, and have compassion for yourself. Nothing is a total failure if you keep trying at it.

    Be well, friend.

  2. Life is never perfect. There is always a gap. some days I’m mentally sharp but emotionally distracted. Other days I’m physically down but feeling loving in my relationships. So I’d say, Nathan, to go easy on yourself. Give yourself a bigger margin. If you’re waiting for every part of your life to be in perfect alignment and harmony, you may have very few good days.

  3. Hello Nathan,
    Sounds like you’re experiencing the blah’s. You just have a sense something is off. You can’t really put your finger on exactly what it is. But nothing feels quite right. I can identify. You are coming through. Victory is coming. I have faith in you. Do you have faith in you?
    I believe you’re stronger than you know. Sleep well. Things often seem better in the morning. Love, Aunt Laura

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