When I Can’t See the Path Ahead…

Sometimes things don’t go as you plan them. Actually, for me, often times they don’t. But I think the difference for me lately is that I’ve started to let it be okay for things to not go my way. I have actually had a string of really great things happen in my life in the past few days, but there is still a lot of uncertainty.

Today, really only had one specific thing on my schedule that I absolutely had to do: submit my rental application to my new potential landlord. But I kept stalling, putting it off, and at one point considered waiting till tomorrow, even though she told me that if I waited till tomorrow it could delay the move-in date quite some time.

You see, I was anxious. I have this old pattern, this old belief in the back of my mind that I’m not good enough and that if I submit an application (especially one like this that requires background and credit checks – both my background and credit in the past have been bad) like this I will be declined.

And I have had such a sense of certainty since I met this woman who may be subletting part of her home to me that it is the place I am supposed to be, the prospect of having it not work out or having my application declined because of past choices and so forth was really really difficult for me to work through.

The reality was that I had my dad cosign the application. That should mean that the will accept me because his credit and background are solid. But I have had an irrational fear the past two days that something will come up that will prevent me from living in this place that so obviously has the energy for which I am looking.

So I have to bring myself back to reality – and remember that no matter what, whatever happens is what is supposed to happen, even if I don’t like it. And if I am turned down here, that would just mean I would have to search elsewhere, and I probably could find another place I liked for a similar price.

But part of me is impatient. And as I said before, after meeting this landlord for the first time I had such a sense of certainty that the universe had aligned to bring us together (she has many similar views on wellness as I do) and part of me I think just feels afraid that I was wrong, and this new situation which seemed so promising is, in fact, not.

But until I hear back from her, I won’t know, and to worry about it when I have done everything I can is something that can make me crazy.

So instead, I am choosing, tonight, to hold the intention that things will work out in the way in which they are meant to work. Not trying to force my will on the universe, but humbly accept that I can’t see the path and that I must walk ahead despite that.

We all have that struggle. Whether it is a college student worried about post-graduation job hunting, a young man or woman stressed about a new step in a romantic relationship, or even middle aged parents struggling to figure out what the relationship could be and what their role should be now that their adult children have moved forward in life.

So my question to you tonight is what is stressing or worrying you right now that you have no control over? Or rather, what part of your worries are things that you can’t fix right the moment?

Because trying to make life fit into the little boxes we create for it is artificial and impossible. Life is indefinable, cannot be denied, and inexorable. We must continue to move along with it, or we get left behind.

Thanks for reading, and peace to you,

-Nathan

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5 responses to “When I Can’t See the Path Ahead…

  1. You’re learning a lesson that I have learned and re-learned and re-learned. Part of me wants control, and thus fears not having control, which creates anxiety, procrastination … a negative cycle. So letting go of control, and TRUSTING the universe creates a positive cycle. Kudos to you for having such strong awareness that you could side-step the negative cycle and move forward!

  2. Great job of expressing yourself dear Nathan. Uncertainty is the reality of life at any age. Trusting God with the outcome and with me brings peace. It is not easy. It is a minute by minute battle I have found.

    Love you!

    Aunt Laura

  3. Pingback: Step Into It « Our Birth Write

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