Coming Home

I usually don’t start out my blog entries with song quotes. But I’m listening to the song “Coming Home” by City and Colour, and it has been really hitting me lately – here’s part of the lyrics:

“I’ve seen a palace in London, I’ve seen a castle in Wales
but I’d rather wake up beside you and breathe that ol’ familiar smell”

Last night, I wrote a bit about how being back at Barnabas (Keats Island) was a bit like a homecoming.

But since at the moment I’m staying on a mattress on the floor of my dad’s office (glass doors and windows, about 10×10 foot square) I feel a bit like I don’t really have a “home” to come back to.

I know that in reality my “home” is a subjective term. I don’t really need or care about the material aspects, except the basic necessities. It is really more the people that make a place “home” for me.

Unfortunately, although my parents are the people I have lived with for a majority of my life, living with them again (however briefly) really makes it difficult for me to not slide back into old, unhealthy patterns. Part of it is just the energy in this house where I grew up. It was this house where my teenage rebellion first appeared.

It was this house I first snuck out of, and this was the first house in which I had a party when my parents were out without telling them.

This house was where I lost my virginity at 17 years old, despite the fact that my parents and many of my friends believed that I was a straight-laced, practicing Christian boy who was saving himself for marriage.

This is the house where I stole from my parents during my addiction. This is the house where I pretended to take long showers while I shot heroin in the bathroom.

In short, this house has an energy that can easily draw me back into the patterns of sneaking, hiding, lying, avoiding, and also, more destructively, the pattern of laziness. For much of my young adult life I didn’t really want to do anything but whatever I was focused on at the moment.

Oh wait…that hasn’t changed so much I suppose.

But I have found that being able to expend energy doing things that aren’t particularly “fun” makes doing the more “fun” things better. I feel guilty when I don’t do anything all day long and then go out and have fun with friends.

But if I’ve been working all day and then go out in the evening, I feel relaxed and I generally enjoy myself more.

The point is, I may only have a week or so here at my folks’ place, but I know that it would be easy for me to slip into old patterns even in that short of a time.

So in the next week I will strive to radiate calm, peace, love, gratitude, and willingness.

I want to help as much as possible.

And I want to start exploring options for new places for me to live.

Because I feel like I am at the point where I am either going to continue choosing wellness on my own or I won’t. It won’t matter if I live at my aunt and uncle’s, it won’t matter if I live at my parent’s or in an apartment, or in the middle of nowhere in a tent. Either I will choose to continue working toward my wellness goals and pursing new opportunities as they open before me, or I will sabotage myself and land right back into sickness, addiction, and self-destruction.

And I am still committed to choosing wellness, no matter what that entails.

Thanks for your continued readership.

Peace to you and yours,

-Nathan

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