Resolve

Sometimes I really don’t feel like writing. I had a really busy day yesterday. I ended up golfing with my Dad and his new employee Billy who I really enjoyed getting to know. After that I ate dinner and went shopping with my Mom. So in total I was out of the house and busy from 12:00pm to about 10:30pm. Just about the longest day I’ve had in a while.

I just recently had a conversation with my Aunt and Uncle to sort of “clear the air” around here, and release some of the tension that has been building up between us all over the past few weeks.

And I just found out that I am going to be having a similar conversation with the entire rest of my family tomorrow afternoon, and to be honest, I’m not prepared.

I know that part of it is just going to be everyone wanting to make sure that I’m not going to screw up my sister’s wedding. And at this point I think I can handle that. I know that both Rachael and Luke can’t really trust me. And if the situation were reversed…(I shudder to think)…I almost wonder if I wouldn’t rather just not have me in the picture at all.

Don’t take me wrong, not as in having me dead. But just not having me involved in anything that I could potentially screw up. In other words, if I were Luke and Rachael I would probably “sideline” me. Just put me on the bench to be used only if a crisis was to occur and they were unable to find anyone else capable of jumping into the breach.  (sorry about the mixed metaphor)

I have been so consistently unreliable that if I were my family, I would hesitate to give me any responsibility – not because they couldn’t use my help, and not because they don’t think I want to help, but just because they can’t trust that I will follow through.
And this isn’t something to be trifled with. It isn’t a birthday or even an engagement party. It is my only sister’s only wedding to the man she (and the entire rest of our family) loves most in the world.

And I can’t do anything to jeopardize this.
So one part of me just wants to sit on the sidelines, stay out of the way, and just make damn sure I don’t draw attention to myself.

The problem is, this is a big undertaking. The whole family is involved. That is, the entire family but me. And it isn’t that I feel left out or anything. It is just that I feel like this is a once in a lifetime experience to help contribute to the happiness of the only sister I have.

I love Rachael more than I could possibly put into words. In my mind she is the most beautiful, loving, kind-hearted, forgiving, nurturing, talented, creative, funny, and unique person on this planet.

What is wonderful is that if anyone could match that fire she has it is Luke, her fiancée, and my soon to be brother in law.

The problem is that over the years (really since I left for college) we have grown apart. The closeness between us that once existed, the true sibling bond that meant I could feel what she was feeling – the intense and primal need to protect her from any harm… that has faded as I distanced myself from the family and began to form a bond with drugs rather than people.

There are times I truly question whether I will ever be able to regain anything like the bond that Rachael and I used to have. And somehow it seems like the answer to that question hinges on my behavior and performance during the next few weeks leading up to the wedding as well as the wedding itself.

So I guess the question is this: will I rise to the occasion and do whatever it is she needs from me in order to help make her wedding a success? Or will I repeat an old pattern that causes crisis just so that no one expects anything from me?

At the moment, I feel like I have had enough of self-sabotage. I want to do what needs to be done.

I don’t have a clue how to do it or what to do, but I swear if there is a way for me to make things right and to make sure the next few weeks have nothing to do with me and everything  to do with Luke and Rachael, I will do it.

I will.

-Nathan

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