Fear Versus Anticipation – The Choice

Yesterday was tense. I think I may have mentioned that in my last post. But things are continuing to improve and I am starting to get a bit more optimistic.

When things seem like they are starting to fall apart, I have the tendency to catastrophize everything. Shit, I can get myself freaking out because I want a PB&J and we don’t have peanut butter (that’s sort of an exaggeration but you get the picture.

What I’m facing right now is a LOT of change, all at once. And that is something I have traditionally done very poorly with. But I recognize the possibility that this time won’t be a crisis. It can just be a natural progression.

I’ve gone from having a home  where the support and goals were clear to living in a place full of some tension (some of it has eased since yesterday). I’ve gone from having medication to trick my brain into believing it was getting the opiate high it wanted to having to mostly rely on my own body and re-build my coping skills.

There have been a couple things coming up for me in the last couple days: first, creativity. I have not had much outlet for my creative drive lately other than this blog, and let’s face it – that isn’t enough for me. Another thing I’ve been considering is the fact that I am beginning to feel unsatisfied not making a positive contribution to society. Not just trying to help around the house with my Aunt and Uncle or help my parents and sister with wedding plans, but having some real responsibility where people depend on me and where I can use my skills and talents to do some good in the world. After all, a life lived in isolation without contribution is no life at all.

That brings me to my final thought. Social interaction. I had two friends drop by to see me yesterday and I realized quickly that one of the most important things for me to keeping on track is being able to spend some time with interesting and creative people my age.

It’s hard because I am too old for a lot of youth camps/groups at this point. I’m also not interested in traditional organized religion although that would provide community. So what I am trying to figure out is how I can find a place where I can be open and honest about my past and my beliefs, where there will be other young people my age, where much of the focus is on creativity (in whatever form), and where the environment is supportive of my health.

That may be too much to ask. But today in my meditation I am going to visualize finding exactly that sort of place with that sort of people and see what materializes.

No matter what, this choice is mine. I can choose to be fearful of all this change and feeling as if the ground is collapsing under my feet. Or I can choose to gratefully anticipate the new circumstances and challenges that the universe is directing toward me.

My choice. As usual.


Thanks for reading guys. I think I’m coming out of the deep woods. Still in the rough patch, but I fully believe I can make it through a few more days so I can get to the point where my body and mind begin to recalibrate.

Peace to you,



4 responses to “Fear Versus Anticipation – The Choice

  1. Have you thought about volunteering? I think you’d do especially well in a music- or arts-related organization (Write Around Portland, Ethos Music Center, etc). I’ve made some great friends that way. Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll do some digging for you!

    I’m so glad I stumbled across your blog. Don’t stop fighting, ever.

    • Totally interested.

      If you have time to do some digging for me, by all means I would love some help. I just don’t quite know who or where or what at this point, I just know I have some experience I could use to help others and I would like to do so.

      Feel free to connect with me via email or phone or whatever (number is 503.367.0557) and I’m also on skype: nathan.howells2

      Thanks Meg, and Peace to you!

      • Great, I’ll put some resources together and send ’em your way. Don’t feel any pressure, obviously, but it’s just sort of my way I’m saying I’m out here listening. I have the same ol’ number: 503-318-4196. Now I have to catch up on the rest of your blog!

      • QuietMonolith

        Glad you’re listening. Look forward to catching up soon.

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