Midnight Meltdown and Subsequent Fallout

Yesterday was absolute hell. I was sitting in a tiny ER room from about 2:30am to around 10pm or so. My aunt and uncle were there till the doctor saw me at 6am, and then they went home and eventually my parents came instead.

I didn’t take any opiates, and all they really did was give me some IV fluids and some ativan to settle me down. And it helped a bit.

The problem was that when I started talking to my parents, they both told me that the contract I have had with Richard and Kate for the last several months was now null and void because of my actions. You see, part of the contract said that I, Nathan, will not cheat, steal, or lie. And unfortunately, during the past couple days of weakness, I lied to my aunt and uncle, I stole some of their wine and drank it (which didn’t make me feel any better, by the way) and I also had told them that I had done more work on a set of forms for SSDI than I actually had done. In this way, and because of my hysterical desire to go to the ER last night and keeping them up the entire night, I had voided the contract, which meant when I left that little ER room, I now had no place to go.

Fucking scary right? Right in the middle of detox and all of a sudden someone tells you that you’re homeless.. All I could think of was that I was going to die. I know there is no way I can make it on the street. I have tried that, and I got so sick I had to spend three weeks hardly moving from a hospital bed.

I am blessed to have a family that is firm but not cruel. My parents, aunt and uncle, and my sister and soon to be brother-in-law helped me talk through the whole thing, and then I went upstairs with my sister and they decided what was to be done with me.

It was as nerve wracking as the only time I have been in court. I felt like I was being given a guilty verdict and a sentence without any type of appeal or defense.

But it turned out there were really just trying to figure out how they could best support me over the next few days so that I can make it through this detox process safely (both for me and them).

So after the conversation it was decided that since Richard and Kate had hardly gotten to sleep the day before, someone needed to come over here with me to just be with me and to help distribute meds if needed and just generally stay with me to help me make it through the night.

So my loving mother came and slept in the guest room next to mine, and she put up with the half dozen times that I actually had to come in to her room tell her how crappy I felt, and she let me just sit in the chair by her bedside and talked to me a bit, she even offered to come lay with me in my room and just hold me so that maybe I could settle down and sleep. I can’t believe how blessed I am to have the family that I do. Even Luke, the “newest” member of the family told me yesterday to call him for any reason and he would do whatever he could to help me.

There were still times throughout last night where my body and mind wholly wanted me to believe that I couldn’t do this. But I just kept asking for my mom’s support when I needed it, and as a last resort I took an ativan to help call down my raging muscles and my spinning mind. With all of that assistance I made it through the night.

Now, the challenge is to make it through today.

It is nine am right now. So right now my goal is to make it till noon. If I can do that, then I am on my way. After noon, my goal might just be to get to 1pm. So much of this process is just being able to rethink what is happening. If the thought in your mind is that, “oh god I might feel this way for 5 more days and I can’t sleep and I can’t eat, and I can’t relax and I just can’t even do this for five more minutes, much less 5 days…”  well, of course you won’t be able to handle it.

So now after hours having past  – it is 10:30pm at this moment – I can see that despite all the doubtful moments I had today, I made it through. Even though I was still having thoughts all day long telling me that I can’t do this, trying to get me to scheme to get drugs, I did m best to just notice them, not judge them, and let them go. Ok, so this voice in my head says, “you can’t take this, go get drugs”, and I respond, “oh I hear you, but that isn’t the direction we are going right now.

As I explained in this meeting with my family today: the question I need to ask myself for the next few days is this: am I the King or am I the King’s Horse? In other words, who is riding whom? When I start to freak out and lose control, and when I fully believe I will fail and there is no chance for me to succeed, then the horse is riding me. I think this horse that has been riding me for the last few years has left me not feeling much a king at all. He has left me feeling like the lowest of the low. But I am fighting back against him. And I am not doing it alone. My family and friends are there to say, “hey Nathan, watch out, who is riding how at this moment?”

I want to take a quote from

Florence + The Machine (a lovely British band) from her song “Shake it Out:”

“I keep dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured

Such a mournful sound

Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground”

I feel like I have been this horse around on my back for five years, listening to it, and doing what it told me, so that it truly became the king and I became the horse. But now, I’ve thrown him off, and I am dragging him around by his ankles and he is moaning, quite loudly the he needs help and the I can’t do without him. But tonight, I will bury him so far down out of reach that he won’t ever ride me again.

That may be an ambitions statement, but I find that sometimes the more ambitious a statement I make (therefore the less likely others will take it seriously) the more often I want to stick to it, sometimes just to spite all the doubters, sometimes merely to prove to myself that I can.

Thank you for all bearing with me throught these last few days of sporadic posting.

Things should level back out again in a few days once my system is back to normal and I am no longer bouncing around from house to house.

Peace to you,

Nathan Howells

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3 responses to “Midnight Meltdown and Subsequent Fallout

  1. Time for bed but not before commenting on your blog.

    Proud of you dear Nathan. You are a winner! The battle is on. You are fighting. You are on your way to a quiet mind.

    Sleep well warrior!

    Love,

    Aunt Laura

  2. When I decided to quit drinking around Christmas time last year, it was an ambitious thing to do all at once. Some people didn’t believe I could do it, and there were challenges along the way to be sure, but from that day I have kept to my intention for over eight months. It can be done, friend. May you be well and free from suffering.

  3. I just replied to your latest post and then I went back and read the last couple days I just had to acknowledge your voice that said “Things should level back out again in a few days once my system is back to normal and I am no longer bouncing around from house to house.” I believe that it is so important to have faith that even when you can’t see it or make sense of it, there is a future out there where you will look back on these moments and be better. Even when that voice of faith is almost indiscernible it is there. When the future seems to big and vague and scary to see, sometimes it feels good to look for that little piece of yourself that knows the future will come.
    Love you Cus.

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