So I am sorry to say that I didn’t post at all yesterday. I was planning on posting last night’s entry this morning, but the truth is that I have been feeling so bad that I just haven’t been able to write. The physical aspect of this process is never fun, but it seems to always be the mental part that really makes things difficult.
The truth is that although I really am committed to going through this, it is hard when I can’t really see the other side of things. My aunt and uncle have been particularly helpful, trying to help me clear my head and trying to help me visualize what my future could be like once my body and my mind refocus and I am able to live without the subutex.
The problem is that right now, stuck in a withdrawal which has turned out to be way worse than I expected, it is very tough for me to see further than the next few hours.
In fact, at times it is difficult for me to see how I will even be able to make it through the next five minutes. I just want to be able to sit still, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t get comfortable. My body is fighting this, and my mind is worse, constantly telling me that there are other ways to deal with this and honestly wanting to help me, not knowing that it is really telling me the opposite of what I need to hear.
My mom came to visit me today and took me to get a massage, hopping it would help me. I’ll admit, it was the first time I’ve had a massage, and it was a little bit strange, but I did feel a bit more relaxed while it was happening. But afterwards, things just went back to how they were before, and my whole body went back to aching and right now I just want to scream.
I’ve been trying to watch a movie, read a book, play a game…or just sleep – and I can’t focus on anything, I really wish I could just sleep through some of this but last night I didn’t sleep at all, and the night before I only got 3 hours. And the one time I finally drifted off was five minutes before my mom arrived.
So yeah, the last two days have been pretty awful, and there is probably more awfulness to come. The question is, will I be able to face it? Right now, I just don’t know. The worst part of this is the loss of the surety I have had in myself and the confidence in my ability to move forward. I am having a lot of doubt. I’m sure it is normal, but I sure hate it.
Sorry this post may not be up to par with some of my others. But I’m having to force myself to sit down and write this. I don’t like having to share this weakness with all of you. But I know it is right and necessary.
Thanks, and peace to you,