Fractured Mind, Tired Body

Hi everyone. Sorry for not posting last night, but I was exhausted. The detox process from the subutex is finally catching up to me and it hit me pretty hard yesterday and even harder this morning. I haven’t been able to do much today except sit and watch TV which is really boring.

The physical withdrawal is still manageable, although it certainly is uncomfortable. But it is the mental part of this that is really starting to bug me.

Yesterday I spent several hours with my thoughts just spinning around in circles. There was at least a part of me that really wanted me to sabotage all the progress I have made. And yet, I still exercised yesterday, and I had a really good conversation about things with my aunt and uncle.

I have to be honest though, there is a big part of me that is wondering if I might not have just made a somewhat rash decision without really thinking it through.

The doctors who prescribe subutex are few and far between, they are expensive, and nearly none of them take my insurance. So when my insurance company told my lung doctor that they wouldn’t cover it if he prescribed it, I felt like the simplest option was just to stop it altogether.

So I just took what I had left, created what looked like a nice slow 13 day taper, and went with it. And up until yesterday, it seemed like that might be ok.

And even yesterday, I was still really believing that I would continue to feel ok. And a part of me does. There is a part of me that says, “you are going to do this no matter what because you have no other options”.

A part of me that says, “you’re going to do this because you think it is the right thing to do”

Part of me that says, “if you can’t handle this then you are much weaker than you have been telling yourself for the past two months.”

I am really not sure right now what exactly I want. I know I want to be off of the subutex. But I also know that I don’t want to go back to using other drugs. What frightens me the most right now is that for the first time in two months the thought of other drugs is starting to cross my mind again.

And yeah, I’m in a safe environment, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t leave if I wanted to. I don’t feel tempted to do anything stupid, but at the same time, I am aware that for the first time in a while, a part of myself wants me to at least consider giving up the progress I have made just for a temporary fix.

If it was as simple as “I don’t like how I am feeling physically”, as it has been the past few days, it’d be easy to deal with. What concerns me isn’t my physical body, it is my mind. It feels out of control, volatile, disconnected. Even though I have talked to my aunt and uncle about these things, I still feel worried. I feel like I don’t know what I’m going to be able to do to deal with some of these things.

I feel like my body is weak and my mind is fractured, split into a thousand different pieces, all of them calling to me at once.

It is so interesting that just a day or two ago, my attitude was completely different. And now at noon the next day, I can barely think because I have such a bad headache and I don’t want to move because my stomach hurts. I didn’t think there would be this much of a swing but I suppose it has been over 48 hours since I last took the subutex so it is pretty much out of my system now. That is probably why I suddenly seem to feel this bad.

Anyway, I can’t really focus on what I am writing, so I am going to lay down for a bit and see if that helps.

Thanks for reading, and sorry about posting late today instead of last night or this morning like I intended.

-Nathan

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