I just watched Ryan Lochte win a gold medal, beating his rival Michael Phelps for the first time on the Olympic stage. The news commentator has quoted Lochte several times as saying, “This is my time”. Although I am competing with no one but myself, I feel some kinship with Lochte because I currently share his attitude.
For four years, Ryan Lochte has been overshadowed by Phelps. He has been considered the best swimmer in the world, but his rival just kept beating him, eclipsing him, making it seem like all his hard work would come to nothing. Since the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Lochte has been working, training, putting all his effort into improving his game so that he could finally come out on top.
Although the character of my struggle has been very different, and I have been fighting with an internal rival rather than a flesh and blood nemesis, I have been working to overcome my addiction for as long as Lochte has been trying to beat Michael Phelps.
And I am of the same mind as Ryan when I say, “This is My time”.
I have been fighting for years. I have consistently allowed myself to be beaten down, thrown back, defeated by the despair of drug dependence. But no longer.
I was living with the mistake belief that I was doomed to live a short, painful, useless life enslaved to drugs and to my Cystic Fibrosis. I let myself become a perpetual victim of circumstance, and life became so unlivable that I lost hope that I could ever break free.
I think a lot of my friends and family may secretly have believed that too. Of course, we all would tell each other that we had hope that I could someday break out of my destructive cycle and begin to grow and realize my true potential. But deep down inside I think that we (or me, at least) had an ever increasing fear that I was truly incapable of digging my way out of the hole I had created for myself.
But since almost three months ago, when I embarked on this wellness quest, I have begun to gain a confidence in myself that I have not had for over four years. I am finally beginning to believe in the possibility that I will defeat my addiction and move on – stepping off this merry-go-round of pain, lies, shame, betrayal, fear, anger, and slavery – stepping into a new future where there is peace, harmony, balance, love, truth, trust, and freedom.
It is my time.
My time to take hold of my life, to choose health, wellness, renewal. To foster the growth of my mind, body and spirit. To relearn things I have forgotten and to learn new things as well. To embrace challenges, and take them on willingly. My time to become the person I believe I am meant to be.
I again am inspired by the Olympic spirit to take pride in myself and to relish the challenges ahead of me, rather than trying to escape from them.
Tomorrow I will cut my subutex dose from 4mg three times a day to 4mg two times a day. For once, although I have some fear, I have determination in great measure. I expect nothing, except that I will be able to meet whatever comes with a healthy body, a strong heart, an open mind, and a spirit of compassion and gratitude.
And that, friends, is why I say it is my time.
Goodnight, and peace to you,