Open Wounds

Right now, my emotions are a mess. I wouldn’t  go so far as  to  say that I’m distraught, but I’m far from “okay”. I can’t go into details about what just  happened because it  is too fresh. It is,  as the title of this post implies, an open wound. But what I can say is that I feel as if part of my self, part of my soul even, is being ripped away. I know that this is a product of the emotional turmoil I am in, but that doesn’t make the feeling any less real at this moment.

This is one of those things that I know I can’t change. Or at least, my brain knows that I have no control because I can’t control the actions and choices of other people. But my heart, well, it isn’t so logical. My heart wants  me to figure out a way to make things different. It wants me to undo the things I’ve done to lead to this point. It wants me to argue, to fight, to make others see things through my perspective.

But for once, I know that my heart, while an integral part of me, is too hurt to lead me. When I am suffering from a raw, bleeding, gaping wound in my emotional/spiritual self, I can’t make good decisions. I am too full of pain and anger and fear. I want to fix it, to sew it shut, or to reclaim the part of me that has been lost and force it back into place. Or at the very least I want to cauterize the wound, to cover it up, and pretend it doesn’t exist. But all of those things just perpetuate the pain. They postpone the grief and that grief when left unacknowledged will turn into a hard knot of evil inside my spirit. It will turn my joy into bitterness, and take me from sadness to despair.

Instead, for once in my life, I am choosing to acknowledge the fact that my spirit is hurt. I am full of doubt, sadness, pain, fear, regret, anger, and even a bit of panic. I want to shove them away, to bury all these difficult emotions under a smokescreen of calm and unconcern. But instead I choose to say, “yes, I feel these things. and it’s ok for me to feel them.” It is ok for me to be hurt and for me to live with some of my sadness. I am in a safe place, with people who love me and support me, and I am going to be ok, even though my heart feels empty.

I will move forward, I will live, and I will be who I am, wounds included.

This post seems a bit melodramatic even to me, so I imagine it might seem that way to you too. But part of my quest toward wellness is being honest. By that, I mean truly sharing with you what my experience is, not what I wish  it was.

So thank you, again, for sticking with me, and for honoring my experience by reading this post.

My truth tonight is simple: I am alive, I am wounded, but I will be whole again.

-Nathan

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